I have a problem

"My name is Momma Lisa and I am a compulsive eater." I imagine that this will be what I say on Saturday when I attend my first Overeater's Anonymous meeting. I have decided to attend this group because deep-down my problem is more than just 'will' power but a POWER that is over me. I need to surrender that POWER over to one who has MORE POWER, my Higher Power, Jesus Christ.

Let me back up......for years I have been overweight. When I was a kid my mom would tell me not to eat certain things, or so much or whatever. When I was older she took me to weight watchers where I gained weight..........after that, there were instances which I will share later that now, upon rememberance, point me to the realization that I have a food addiction. Well, "DUH!" you may say when you see me. But, just because a person is fat, doesn't mean there is an addiction but just a big appetite.

So here I am, ironically, burdened for a friend of mine who is an alcoholic and is on death's door because of her 'issue'. I say to myself, "why can't she just stop drinking?" "How far DOWN must she slide until she stops?".................then I look at my rash-filled body and hobble over to my computer chair with an aching back and avoid my own problem.....Well, HOW FAR D OWN MUST I SLIDE UNTIL I STOP?...........I have gotten to the point where I am ready to admit to the world that I have a deeper problem.

I can recall an incident when I was in 6th grade (approx. 12 years old) and I was left home to babysit. My mom left the house and I made some toast with grape jelly on it and LOTS of butter. Mom came back home to get something she forgot and I was pacing the floor eagerly waiting for her to leave. She found the toast hidden in my bedroom and she said, "My god, you're just like an alcoholic waiting to have a drink!"...............I never got the meaning of that then but I do now. There were many other times where I would make a 'date' to have certain foods while I watched movies by myself or times when I'd get angry if someone interrupted me when I was eating something I probably shouldn't have been eating.

You may be laughing about this now but I assure you, it is sickening, isn't it? It is funny and pathetic but for me, a real problem. So here I am, blogging about it: not for your benefit but mine. Feel free to read, laugh, pray for me or comment but know this; I am on a journey to get well and welcome you to witness it and join me!

Blah, humbug!

I don't know why I bothered to get a blog. There isn't anything really noteworthy to put on here but today I really do feel like rambling my mediocre rambles.....................

Several months ago I was characterized by getting rare bursts of energy and then after acting on them I'd find myself sick with bronchitis. After several years of this and finding it to be increasingly more irritating, I went to a Naturopath and got started on supplements and have seen some improvement although they are slow going. Anyways, all of this to say, I had a busy, stressful, adrenaline running week last week and have not gotten sick, only tired. It's a good thing.

So, now, you might be wondering why I haven't been on here. Well, I am failing at the weight loss endeavor, failing at the healthy de-tox eating thing AND failing at the other endeavors as well. Failure means hiding underground and not talking about stuff.

Hae

I meant to keep you all posted on my Biggest Loser project. WELL, as you can surmise, I am not devoting as much time to it as I could, hence the silence here on the subject.

Good news: my first weigh in showed a loss of 1.8 pounds. Well, yippee. Since there is WAY more to lose, I don't even count that as a success.

Bad news: i still have not made significant permanent changes that i need to make. what to do?

I am sensing that God is pulling me aside for some seclusion and character training. I have had some issues come up in my personal/church/home life that are causing me to retreat into my turtle-like shell (you know, hard on the outside?) and concentrate on HIM.

I am feeling the pain of the potter's hands on my mushy, clay heart as He squeezes out the bubbles, bumps and imperfections so He can mold it into something beautiful. It is a pain I haven't felt in a long time....

With a much-needed 'timeout' in the 'naughty chair' I will be working on remembering to take my supplements DAILY, planning my meals so I am not caught unawares and eating something horrible for me, exercising in the pool as well as studying God's word and repenting/confessing a litany of things that are blocking my path forward.

Pray for me.

when will i learn?

Seems that once again I have damaged someone I care very much for. Out of the heart the mouth speaks..............

I carried some personal hurt and some hurt felt by others and let it fester until it bacame an ugly, puss-filled boil that burst right onto the heart of a good friend. The sad part is that this friend is very young and has probably not had such an angry dart hurled at them before, thus, making me feel even worse.

We always want to be memorable, make our impression on people. Well, what impression am I making? I certainly hate myself when I see the "old man" rise up and cause such ugly pain. I am pretty good at it, too. Isn't that ironic? You see, I'm not good at many things and this is certainly not something I desire to be gifted in, or be outstanding in.

There is no repair that can be done for this except for the healing powers of Jesus Christ. My prayer is, that as I ask for forgiveness of this young man, that God will heal the hurt and erease the words from his mind. As for restoring our relationship, maybe time will be able to do that, I can only hope and pray.

Sometimes I really HATE interpersonal relationships. There is too much pain involved. Sadly, the hurt I feel related to this situation is minimal compared to the hurts I feel in other relationships but this is the one that got vomited on...................

Old Time Radio is a treat for me. I love to look back at certain time periods and, romantically, think about the wonder it would be to live in them. There are the things I like and the things of course, I don't. What would it be like to mix them?

Can you see me driving around town in a big, giant Plymouth from the 50's? Maybe so. You cannot imagine me wearing the girdle, hose and belted dresses of the time period, carrying my little pocketbook and wearing gloves. I don't know what fat people did in those days. Of course, maybe there weren't so many of them back then simply due to the lack of additives and preservatives in food and the complexities of life. I mean the women cooked from scratch, hand washed dishes, and did more manual labor than we do today.

So, I'll drive my big, giant car wearing my shorts and tee shirts. I will listen to the music of the past on my ipod and I will drive through Sonic to order my lunch! With Sonic, I can have the best of both worlds.

O Lord Jesus, how can it be?
We treat you so wrong
Yet, you still show mercy.

Your grace is outstanding.
Your power is might.
You fill our days.
You protect our nights.

I keep my eyes on me
instead of on you
while the world is lost
and needs to be renewed.

Take away my selfish pride
stop me from running away
I know I can't hide.

You know me better
than I know myself
and, yet, you love me anyway.
You freed me from bondage,
you broke the chains-
you're the one love i've hoped for
and I push you away.

You fill me with tears
so that I can be cleansed
you correct my mistakes
and erase all my sins.

Show me your plan
and cause me to obey
for satan keeps lying
telling me to do things myway.

I am weak, Lord, and you are strong
put your words on my lips
and, in my heart, put your song.
amen
5-14-85

1985

Help me to draw closer
closer, through your word
show me the meaning of life
with you as my Lord

you give me life
you are my strength
you supply me with answers
when i'm too weak to think

show me how to include others
in the joy you bring to me
instead of building prideful walls
too high for others to see

your lost children are here
waiting to be shown
by my actions, words and life
that a God who loves them is near

i get so caught up in pride
that i tend to brag a lot
i want my life to be open
showing them who you are
and what you are not

you are love, joy and peace
full of freedom that is true
not rules and regulations
not just "don'ts" but plenty of "do's"

so shine through me, Jesus
make my light brand new
when people look at me
i want them to see you

take this hand of mine
and i'll take yours
let our hearts entwine
and let love be ours

i think i finally understand
through the writing of this poem
the way to you is love
not works, acts or "morals"
the victory is yours
itis not me but you
who will show them.
1985

May 14 1985

my God, my God
what have i done?
have i pushed you so far away
that i can't find the words to say
how much i love you and need you?

i can't even cry for my God
my God who weeps for me
Father, you love me as i am
foolish and full of pride
you're every problems answer
you're every life inside

the heart you gave me was pure
and in time got ruined by the world
my Lord i want to know you
and see the world through you
you promise everlasting life
i want to seek you with all my might

my Lord Jesus while you were crucified
here i've been sitting
pondering what goes on inside

you've shown me how simple
it can really be
if i'll just rest in you
and let you lead me

o God restore me to that state
when we were alone and i was free
i knew only you
yet i was happy

you say you're my father
even tho i ignore you
you cling to me
when i search for others

o Lord have mercy on my soul
give me your heart
make me whole
let me see the world
through your view
teach me your ways
and make me new
1985

After my first day with a 'blog' of my own, I've had 4 comments! Way cool!

Not much to say today....I had a pretty good "eating" day. I had a good breakfast, drank lots of water, did some moderate exercise (bowling) and passed on lunch out with the girls. I came home, had a bologna sandwich and cleaned out the refrigerator, then, I took a nap.

For dinner, I resisted the urge to eat out and picked up something simple at the grocery store. I am no longer eating before bedtime and will add lots of water to my repertoire.

Now, to be vulnerable here, I must admit that making permanent changes will be like breaking up with a lover who is no good for me.....I love white food. White flour, white sugar, white fat....it doesn't love me. It is addicting and mood altering, turns to fat in my body and doesn't give me what I need which is lasting energy. It doesn't care about me: it never heals my sicknesses, sharpens my mind or stabilizes my moods.

Now, I have to sit and ponder what my life will be like without it-because I know I MUST say goodbye........................I will let you know how the 'breakup' goes.

The Biggest Loser!

I'm gonna be a BIG loser! I hope. I have joined a mini-group of folks who are on a quest to lose weight and get in shape. They are, of course, fine looking and young people who are in pretty good shape already. It seems that those who are already pretty healthy get healthier and those who aren't don't. Probably b/c of the character/genetic defect that causes us unhealthy folk to get this way in the first place. You know of which I speak: gluttony, laziness, fat genes, etc. So, in my quest to be a "Big Loser" I have put in my $25 and entered the 'competition' to see who can lose the biggest percentage of body weight. I realize that I am at a bit of a disadvantage b/c ten percent of my weight is greater than 10 percent of any of theirs but I am at an advantage b/c they have already dieted and exercised for 12 weeks prior and have lost their "easy weight"......

I will keep you posted...............thus far I am at a grand total weight of 331.8 lbs. I will have to get my measurements from the member who has them so I can post those as well. I shall , also, gather a 'fat' picture of myself to post so I can track my progress.

Feel free to pray for me, encourage me or mock me (but do so behind my back!).......jk

January 6, 1985

You look upon us and you cry
for years now, you've heard our lies,
"Yes, we'll serve Him", andwe don't.
It's our hearts and lives you want.

Jesus, you rose from the dead.
You gave your life for us to live.
Dear Jesus, you are so kind,
Why can't man see this, is he blind?

You give out love and eternal life,
to every child, husband and wife.
All we need to do is pray
and in trust, your foundations are laid.

Please be with us our Lord, O God.
Please be with us to catch our fall.
I want to make you proud of me,
I'll work hard so others may see
the peace and joy you've given me.

Before I go, please hear my prayer
and accept my thanks for being near.
Lord I love you and, what a start!
I gave you my life when you entered my heart.

You saved me by your grace alone
and in faith, I wrote this poem:

FOR THE LORD I HAVE COME
I WANT TO KNOW
WHEN YOU'LL BE DONE
SINNING AND WASTING YOUR LIFE AWAY
WHEN YOU CAN WALK WITH HIM EACH DAY
ALL HE WANTS IS FOR YOU TO BELIEVE
IF YOU ASK HIM YOU WILL RECEIVE.
ACCEPT HIM NOW AND FOLLOW ALONG
THAT PATH OF HIS LOVING AND STRONG.
LISTEN MAN, I SAY TO YOU
(because I love Him as I do)
REACH OUT AND TAKE HIS HAND
AND EXPERIENCE BEING BORN AGAIN.

I wrote the part in all caps when I was 12 years old and the rest came after I recommitted my life to Christ 9 years later. Not a great masterpiece but something from the heart.

I have a blog! Of my VERY OWN! It belongs to me and only me. It' a place where I can talk all I want and say what I want...............to myself, since I seem to love the 'sound' of my own voice! If you find yourself wandering into this wordy world of mine, grab your favorite beverage, put on your comfiest clothes and make yourself at home. My motto here is the same as the one for my home, " the place may be messy, but you are always welcome in it".